| Well, I seem to have hit a nerve. Last week, I asked (sarcastically, but maybe not really?!) whether my 6-year-old son was a sociopath or just a 6-year-old. And this village of readers sent me notes commiserating, and offering helpful words of advice.Since several of you asked me to share what I’ve learned, here’s some of the useful tidbits and suggestions I got from our newsletter hivemind. The most useful — at least in terms of explaining why 6 year olds are the way they are — is a book that one of you recommended called “Your Six-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant.” It’s part of a series by Louise Bates Ames, and is from 1979, so it’s a bit dated in terms of its references to family structures and media among other topics, but the meat of it was helpful to me in putting my child’s behavior in a frame of reference — from his ultra-competitive streak to his meltdowns. Pick it up from your local library like I did over the weekend! I’m also about to dive into “Voice Lessons For Parents: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Listen.” There are two chapters, each dedicated to talking to your son and your daughter. Hopefully that will help me communicate better. Read below for more wisdom from our group. Hopefully this helps, and, as always, if you have more questions, feel free to reach out to me at katea@huffpost.com.“Maybe there is something going on with your child that requires your medical or emotional attention. Children don’t willfully ignore their parents if they are bonded with them (and I bet this is true of him and you), they want to please them so I don’t think you should just react by personalizing his reaction. Rather, investigate! Find out if he has trouble hearing directions at school, do some research online, especially if there are other issues, consult with an OT, etc. before you jump to conclusions!”“Behavior is a language, too. So try tuning in to his feelings, connecting with whatever he desires. That does not mean you need to give or buy an object. But it does mean that he will thank you in behavior language when he feels you ‘get’ him.”“I learned to be patient when he doesn’t do it the second I ask him to do something. I’ve learned to give him options. I’ve learned to give him ‘alerts’ before he has to do something so he’s not shocked when I ask (‘10 mins til you have to take a shower/5 mins til you have to go to bed’). And try not to negotiate because you’ll be doing it forever and over everything....ha.” “Talk to him. Be very specific and honest about his behavior. Try saying something like, ‘I'm going to take a guess that you're less interested in me and more interested in running off to play. That's fine, I just need you to understand that not listening to me is hurtful and disrespectful. It also makes me think that something is wrong and it needs to be fixed. Are you upset with me? Do your friends ignore their moms?’ (Etc.) Also, give him a taste of his own medicine. Putting the shoe on the other foot (his) will teach him empathy. Reaffirm how important he is to you and your bond. Lastly, do your homework. Observe who he plays with. Listen to his interactions. The puzzle will come together soon enough.”“Between ages 6-7 years old, children go through a major developmental change in their consciousness — how they relate to the world, how they relate to adults, how they see themselves! They often have a common expression, "you're not the boss of me!", as they now see more clearly that they have a mind of their own, and being able to not do as we ask or say, is more a choice. So a lot depends now on how you make a request, avoiding questions that will only give you a yes or no response, and giving limited choices. Also, they LOVE to be a full participant in family life, learn new skills, use real tools (like making their bed properly, starting the washing machine, using sharp knives in the kitchen with you...). So, how can you demonstrate that helping out is more than just doing stuff that has to get done, but is really being a superhero for all the members of the family. We also have to take care not to over-burden, of course, or lay excessive responsibility on them. But they are very capable. (I love this age though it is challenging to meet).”BOOKS/FURTHER READING:Read Erik Erikson’s stages of development. You might find he’s right on track
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